How can you tell if the person you are talking is listening to you attentively?

How to Practice Active Listening

Active listening involves more than just hearing someone speak. Here are some active listening techniques to master.

Pay Attention (and Show It)

Concentrate fully on what is being said. Listen with all your senses and give your full attention to the speaker. Put away your phone, ignore distractions, avoid daydreaming, and shut down your internal dialogue.

To show the person you're truly turned in, look at them and be mindful of nonverbal behaviors. Use open, nonthreatening body language. Avoid folding your arms. Smile, lean in, and nod at key junctures. Consciously control your facial expressions, avoiding any that convey negative impressions.

Making eye contact is especially important. In general, aim to maintain it for 60% to 70% of the time you spend listening.

Reflect What You Hear

Paraphrase what the person has said, rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions. For example, you might say, "In other words, what you are saying is that you're frustrated" or "I'm hearing that you're frustrated about this situation." Summarize what you've heard. Mirroring what the person has said helps them feel validated and understood.

Withhold Judgment

Remain neutral and non-judgmental in your responses so that the person feels safe enough to continue sharing their thoughts. Make the conversation a safe zone where the person can trust they won't be shamed, criticized, blamed, or otherwise negatively received.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Avoid "yes or no questions"; they often produce dead-end answers. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the person to show you are interested in them and to encourage thoughtful, expansive responses.

If you'd like to better understand something the person has said, ask for clarification. Don't focus so much on insignificant details that you miss the big picture.

Be Patient

Don't interrupt, fill periods of silence with speech, finish the person's sentences, or top the story (for example, saying "that reminds me of the time I..."). Similarly, listen to understand, not to respond. That is, don't prepare a reply while the other person is still speaking; the last thing they say might change the meaning of what they've already said. Don't change the subject abruptly; this conveys boredom and impatience.

When you listen actively, you are fully engaged and immersed in what the other person is saying.

Much like a therapist listening to a client, you are there to act as a sounding board rather than to jump in with your own ideas and opinions about what is being said.

Steps

Part 1 Part 1 of 3:Observing Facial Cues

1. 1

   Check if their eyes are on yours. If their eyes are wandering all over the room, seeing what else is going on, they aren’t listening to you. It’s an uphill battle trying to talk to someone who is checking their phone, staring at their computer, looking out a window, or seeing what everyone else is up to. Someone who is actively listening will make eye contact with you to show that they hear what you’re saying.[1]

   • On the other hand, eye contact that is unwavering can be a sign that they want to look like they’re listening when they aren’t. The key is that eye contact is natural and relaxed, rather than forced and tense.[2]
   • Some people are shy and uncomfortable with making steady eye contact. If they're looking away from you but otherwise seem attentive and tuned-in, they are still probably listening.

2. 2

   Look for a “plastered” smile. If someone wants to appear to be listening, they’ll smack on a smile and call it a day. Look for the unnatural smile that looks like it’s just permanently glued on to their face. That’s probably not genuine, and that means their interest probably isn’t genuine either![3]

   • Just like with eye contact, the important thing to notice is that the listener seems tuned-in but still relaxed.
   • Many people know how to look like they’re listening when they’re not, so any actions that seem robotic and insincere probably are.

3. 3

   Observe the motion of their head. If it’s extremely still, they might be zoned out. If they’re staring at you with glazed-over eyes but not moving their head at all, their mind might be on a different planet. However, if they’re nodding aggressively to everything you are saying, they might be simply overcompensating physically in order to appear attentive. Instead, look for relaxed heads that nod at the correct moments.[4] Everything should feel and look natural.

Part 2 Part 2 of 3:Pay Attention to Body Language

1. 1

   See if their body is angled toward yours. This is key. When someone becomes fully engaged in what someone else is saying, they tend to shift their body to point towards the speaker. When you’re speaking to someone, observe how they position their body and the space they put between you. If they face you and lean closer, you most likely have their genuine attention. If their body is angled away and they lean back, they aren’t fully in the conversation, or they want the conversation to end. [5]

2. 2

   Check if they’re fidgeting. If someone is bored with the conversation, antsy to finish it, or just thinking about something else altogether, they tend to fidget. They might play with their watch or necklace, tap their fingers, or adjust their clothing. Maybe they fix their hair or move around in their seat. When someone is listening well, they won’t be worried about these little distractions, and their body will be still. [6]

   • People often don’t even notice when they’re fidgeting. They’re probably not trying to insult you or give you a hint that they’re bored, simply unaware that they’re doing it.

3. 3

   Determine if they are mirroring you. When someone is enthralled in a conversation and really connecting with what you’re saying, their body language will mimic yours. Perhaps they’ll lean to one side when you do, or cross their legs after you do. Even if you’re standing and they’re sitting, people who are totally absorbed will tend to subtly mirror your movements. This is a major indication that they are totally focused on what you have to say. If they aren’t mirroring your gestures, their mind might not be in the conversation fully.[7]

   • If the conversation is tense or emotional, they may not mirror you. It doesn’t always mean they aren’t listening, it’s simply one clue.

Part 3 Part 3 of 3:Checking Verbally

1. 1

   Ask follow-up questions. This is easy. If you think they aren’t listening, simply ask something like, “So, what do you think?” If they respond with, “Wait, about what?” then they probably weren’t in the conversation to begin with. Ask for opinions and feedback to ensure that they’re engaged in the conversation. You can even simply say things like, “We went to this restaurant– have you ever been there?” Their responses are the easiest ways to know if they’re listening or not.

2. 2

   Throw in something strange or unrelated. If their eyes are wandering, their body is turned away, their foot is tapping, and they just seem totally oblivious to what you’re saying, test them. If you’re telling them a straightforward story about something that happened to you, say something like, “So after that, both of my parents were killed in a vicious unicorn attack.” If they nod and say, “Uh huh,” then walk away. They aren’t listening to a word you’re saying.

   • Not only is this a way to see if they’re listening, but it can also be a bit of fun for you. Get creative with your interjections.
   • If you’re concerned about how the other person will react, or if they respond with confusion, you can cover your bases by adding something like, “Just thought I’d toss that in there to liven things up!”

3. 3

   Say, “Are you listening to me?” It can’t get more candid than that. If you have reasons to believe that someone isn’t focused on your words, ask them. Many people will be caught off-guard by the question, and this can help them re-focus. They’ll realize that you’re noticing their mind wandering.

   • This can also be a helpful way to figure out why they aren’t listening. They might respond with something like, “I’m sorry, I’m trying to, but I really need to get to class,” or perhaps, “I was, but an ice cream truck just drove right behind you and I got distracted.” This might clear the air.

9 Signs Your Partner Is A Good Listener

By Rachel Sanoff

Aug. 4, 2015

With vocal fry being discussed in the news like a national epidemic, we are once again reminded that a lot of society just doesn't want to listen to us. One of the ways we can fight back against the silencing of women's voices is by choosing personal relationships and partnerships in which we are heard. So how can you tell if your partner is a good listener?There are very obvious signs that signify your partner's active listening abilities, such as displaying positive body language: facing the person talking, physically leaning in to the conversation, and maintaining eye contact (only if physically able, of course). A partner who is a good listener will also wait their turn to speak instead of interrupting or speaking over their significant other. And a partner shouldn't get a gold star for learning to be quiet while their significant other speaks — that should be the default setting of every respectful partner. But honestly, all of this anti-vocal fry ridiculousness really cements how badly people want to shut women up and claim it is simply impossible to listen to us utter a damn word. The problem isn't the way women speak; the problem is how we are socialized to understand the feminine voice. As numerous feminist writers have already pointed out, revered male speakers like Ira Glass and Noam Chomsky also possess the ever-so-hated vocal fry, yet no one has written any thinkpieces about how detrimental their speaking patterns are to the success of the male gender.Demand to be listened to, and demand loving partners who want to listen to you. Keep an eye out for these signs to know if you've landed a partner who celebrates your voice:

1. They Let You Take Your Time

Partners who are good listeners will also be extremely patient. Speaking up about an upsetting problem or story is nerve wracking and exhausting, and you can't help but stumble on your words and lose your train of thought. Good partners recognize and empathize with this struggle, and won't rush you to speak faster than you need to. As Jane Adshead-Grant, author of Are you listening or just waiting to speak? writes, "...when we know we are being attentively, carefully listened to, we relax, feel ‘safe’ and are able to open up in a more eloquent and interesting way. This is one of the reasons why a good listener, by saying nothing, can really bring about great conversation." Plus, listening to you should never be a chore; it's a fundamental part of any relationship.

2. They Ask Questions

When a partner asks questions about whatever you are sharing, it means that they are actively engaged in the conversation. Not only do their questions encourage you to divulge important emotions and information you may have withheld for fear of oversharing, but their desire to clarify your statements means that they don't want to miss out on any details. You may end your story with, "And I was really upset." An actively listening partner would then ask, "Why did it upset you?" — forcing the conversation to go deeper. Also, it's human to lose focus or become confused, so there is nothing wrong with a partner asking you to repeat certain information to correct themselves.

3. They Aren't Judgmental And Don't Fear Discomfort

Whether you are confronting your partner about an issue in your relationship or sharing a difficult story from your past, you have to feel safe and respected in the conversation. Your partner creates the conversation's climate by how they choose to listen to you. While your partner does not have to agree with or feel particularly comfortable about the subject matter, good listeners will control their discomfort and refrain from judgment in order for you to ~speak your truth~. A loving partner may even handle that discomfort by remaining silent, allowing you lots of room to speak — and silence doesn't have to be uncomfortable or awkward.

4. They Don't Check Their Phones

If a partner is invested in your words, then they have no business checking Instagram or texting their roommate back about the WiFi password. It all boils down to being present and avoiding distractions. While a partner could try to defend their behavior by claiming multitasking skills, a good partner doesn't need to prove their multitasking abilities when you are communicating. As Paul Sacco, PhD, told The Huffington Post, "Good listeners really put everything down and focus on [the person in front of them]."

5. They Paraphrase Parts Of Your Story As You Speak

Paraphrasing is another one of those actions that signify your partner's focus on your voice in the conversation, letting you know that they are engaged and listening. If you are sharing a long, involved, complex story about your family or a frustrating coworker, a paraphrasing partner will repeat your words back to you in order to keep track of everything that you are saying.

6. They Don't Derail The Conversation

The term "derailing" often arises when a marginalized voice is silenced by someone else (an often non-marginalized person) who forces the conversation to get off track by sharing unimportant, unrelated personal anecdotes and ~feelings~. For example, a white person may derail a conversation about race by interrupting a black person with stories about "all their black friends" and a man may derail a conversation about feminism by proclaiming #NotAllMen. Derailing can also occur in more intimate conversations when a partner immediately becomes defensive during conversations instead of just listening to and learning about your point of view. As psychologist Paul Donaghue told The Huffington Post, " ...when we're defending, we're not listening." The entire conversation becomes about your partner's hurt feelings instead of your valid concerns. Partners who are good listeners will take in your words, even if they are critical, for the health and strength of the relationship.

7. Their Goal Isn't To One-Up You

What is a more annoying than a one-upper? Listeners who one-up you aren't actually listening, because they are spending the entire conversation waiting for the opportunity to top your story about the party on Saturday night with their story about the concert on Saturday night. They can't plan out their speech and listen attentively at the same time, so don't let them tell you that they can. Also it is so annoying and immature, so can they just stop. Good partners will enjoy listening to you more than beating you in an imagined competition, so if you've got a good thing going on, you'll never feel like your significant other is excitedly waiting to one-up you while you speak.

8. They Don't Anxiously Wait For Their Chance To Talk

Fools who do this are exactly like the one-uppers, except they aren't even trying to beat you at anything — they just want to talk. We've all been guilty of this in various conversations throughout our lives (because let's be real, we all love talking about ourselves), but with partners and close friends, we better try a little bit harder to shut the hell up. Because we've all been this person, we know that when we spend the whole conversation waiting to open our mouths, we aren't actually present and listening to the other person. If your partner is an active listener, they aren't going to seemingly space out during your heartfelt anecdote about Broad City because they want to discuss something #irrelevant.

9. They Don't Interrupt And They Shut Up About Vocal Fry

It bears repeating.

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Signs of Active Listening

Non-Verbal Signs of Attentive or Active Listening

This is a generic list of non-verbal signs of listening, in other words people who are listening are more likely to display at least some of these signs. However these signs may not be appropriate in all situations and across all cultures.

Smile

Small smiles can be used to show that the listener is paying attention to what is being said or as a way of agreeing or being happy about the messages being received. Combined with nods of the head, smiles can be powerful in affirming that messages are being listened to and understood.

Eye Contact

It is normal and usually encouraging for the listener to look at the speaker. Eye contact can however be intimidating, especially for more shy speakers – gauge how much eye contact is appropriate for any given situation. Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.

Posture

Posture can tell a lot about the sender and receiver in interpersonal interactions. The attentive listener tends to lean slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting. Other signs of active listening may include a slight slant of the head or resting the head on one hand.

Mirroring

Automatic reflection/mirroring of any facial expressions used by the speaker can be a sign of attentive listening. These reflective expressions can help to show sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations. Attempting to consciously mimic facial expressions (i.e. not automatic reflection of expressions) can be a sign of inattention.

Distraction

The active listener will not be distracted and therefore will refrain from fidgeting, looking at a clock or watch, doodling, playing with their hair or picking their fingernails.

See our pages: Non-Verbal Communication, Body Language and Personal Appearance for more information.

Be Aware That:

It is perfectly possible to learn and mimic non-verbal signs of active listening and not actually be listening at all.

It is more difficult to mimic verbal signs of listening and comprehension.

5 signs someone isn't actually listening to you